Cho Chang Moves to Mars (And More Short Stories of Characters We Hate)
by Jay S. Black
Summary: Remember that character that you just can't stand? Jay S. Black now brings you a fanfiction like any other, by writing away your least favorite character. Fandoms include Harry Potter, Heroes of Olympus, The Hobbit, Sherlock, and others. Requests will be granted, if possible. Stories are not meant to offend in any way, and are just for fun.
1. Calypso Stays in Ogygia Forever

Story One: Calypso Stays in Ogygia. Forever.

"About time, Valdez," the girl on the beach snapped. Her arms were folded, and a tiny smile tugged at her lips. Leo scrambled off of Festus and ran towards her.

They hugged, and he took her hand. "I broke the spell, Calypso. I found you again. Come with me."

"I'm yours," Calypso gushed, and stepped onto Festus. They took to the air, and Calypso felt the rush of wind against her face, blowing back her hair. It felt like freedom. Calypso smiled to herself. She had finally seduced someone into freeing her-a feat she had been attempting since Odysseus.

"How are you doing, Calypso?" Leo asked gently.

"Just fine, my tool-er, I mean, my tool boy."

Leo suddenly had a horrible suspicion, but he pushed it down. He tapped something in morse code to Festus, and the dragon swung around.

"What's going on?" Calypso asked.

"We're here," Leo said, and Festus landed in a lonely forest. He helped her off. "Camp Half-Blood is right through there."

Calypso gave him a cold smile. "Thanks for the help, Valdez."

"Of course, Sunshine," Leo said.

"I won't be needing you anymore," Calypso said coolly. "Thanks for the ride."

"What?" Leo gasped, feigning shock.

"Boys. So stupid! I was just using you to get off the island. You honestly thought I would be with someone like you?"

"Not at all, Sunshine," said Leo. Calypso paused.

"What?"

"Just a tip," said Leo, leading Calypso through the bushes. "When you're stuck on an island for thousands of years? Try exploring the other side."

He parted the bushes to reveal Calypso's camp. "Now I know why you were imprisoned here. Enjoy Ogygia."

Calypso's furious screams filled Leo's ears as he flew away.

A dryad snickered from the trees.

Could half-bloods date nymphs?


	2. Zia Becomes a Ninja-The Kane Chronicles

Story Two: Zia Becomes a Ninja

"Carter?" Zia seemed almost nervous, looking the handsome pharaoh in the eye.

"What's up, Zia?" Carter asked, rolling up one of his scrolls.

"Carter...I have to tell you something."

"You can tell me anything," Carter said. "Except 'I'm breaking up with you'."

"Ooh," said Zia nervously. "Because..."

Carter's eyes widened. "You're breaking up with me?"

"Listen, Carter. It's not you. It's me. You see... I've decided to become a ninja."

"What?" said Carter, waiting for Zia to yell 'April Fools!'

When this didn't happen, Carter said (in a tone of mingled disbelief and disgust), "A NINJA?"

"Yeah," said Zia. "You know. Like-boom! Pow! Hiya!"

She twirled around and kicked wildly, narrowly missing Carter's face. She instead kicked Carter's 'Worlds Best Pharaoh' cup.

"Hi-nehm," Carter said. "You know, Zia, maybe this is for the best."

It was Zia's turn to be confused. She had expected a bigger tantrum. Some kicking, screaming-maybe even some sobbing. Instead, Carter was perfectly calm.

"You're a great girl and all, Zia," Carter said, "but we're not really meant for each other. And besides, have you seen Lacy? She's gorgeous!"

Before she left, Zia demonstrated her ninja skills on Carter's throne.


	3. Malfoy Transfers to Durmstrang (HP)

Story Three: Malfoy Transfers to Durmstrang

"Hello, Potter," Malfoy spat.

Harry turned and glared. It was the last day of his second year. "Hello, Malfoy."

"Are you going to miss me, Potter?" Malfoy asked, twirling his wand.

"No," Harry said truthfully. "Where are you going?"

"I'm transferring to Durmstrang Institute next year," Malfoy said in a smug voice.

Harry had no idea what Durmstrang was, but he liked the sound of 'transferring'. "So we'll never see each other again?"

"Never," said Malfoy in a loud, dramatic voice. "We must remember my glorious reign, Potter."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I'd prefer not to. It was more like two years of terror."

"How dare you! My father will hear about this!" Malfoy spat. "Anyways, Potter, let us remember our fights, and stay enemies forever."

"Some of them were pretty memorable," Harry agreed, thinking of the Dueling Club. "And I don't think there's any chance of the two of us chumming up."

"No," Malfoy said, putting a fist over his heart and staring dramatically over Harry's shoulder while his cloak blew in the wind. After holding this pose for a few seconds, he dropped his gaze to face Harry. "Farewell, Potter."

"Bye, Malfoy."

"Duel you later," Malfoy said, and the two shook hands.

As Malfoy strode off towards the train, Harry practically skipped towards Ron and Hermione, not giving a thought to what he might miss in the future.


	4. Octavian Gets a Job-Heroes of Olympus

Story Four: Octavian Gets a Summer Job

"Octavian, I am disgusted."

Octavian's shoulders slumped and he sighed. He was trying to take over the world! He didn't have time for his mother's lectures!

"Mom…"

"No. You're eighteen years old, a legacy of Apollo, and an augur. And you're _still_ living in my basement!"

 _Not the basement talk again,_ Octavian groaned inwardly.

"Enough is enough! You dropped out of college. All you do is rip up stuffed animals. You eat my food, you don't help around the house-I'm done!"

"You're kicking me out?" Octavian shrieked, cuddling a stuffed rhino.

"No," his mother snapped. "You're getting a job. Last month, you spent most of my money on video games and stuffed animals! It's time you pay up!"

"A _job?"_

"Yes," his mother announced. "I've already sent in your resume."

 _I have a resume?_ Octavian wondered.

"They agreed to hire you."

She tossed him a blue polo.

"Build a Bear workshop?" Octavian read with difficulty. "You want me to work at _Build a Bear workshop?"_

"In Hawaii," his mother agreed. "Your plane leaves tonight!"

A few weeks later, a vacationing Hazel Levesque was startled to see Octavian, wearing a Build a Bear Workshop uniform and sewing up stuffed My Little Ponies in a small, secluded corner of the mall.


	5. Cho Chang Moves to Mars (Harry Potter)

[A/N: Happy Harry Potter Day, everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Anyways, here is the title story.]

Cho Chang Moves to Mars

Cho made a funny noise halfway between a sob and a laugh. She was even nearer to him now. He could have counted the freckles on her nose.

"I really like you, Harry."

He could not think. A tingling sensation was spreading throughout him, paralyzing his arms, legs, and brain.

She was much too close. He could see every tear clinging to her eyelashes...

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Harry blinked and tried to ignore the shrill noise ruining his big moment. Cho's eyes widened with what he supposed was confusion.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Harry stared at Cho's watch, where the noise was coming from.

Cho looked down, as well. She pressed a button, and the beeping finally stopped.

"Er," said Harry.

Cho wiped her eyes. Took a deep breath.

"Well, Harry, it was nice knowing you!"

"Huh?" said Harry, who by this point was thoroughly confused and rather disappointed.

Cho drew herself up to her full height. "I'll always remember you!"

"Are you going somewhere?" Harry asked, even more confused.

Cho grinned. "Ever heard of Mars One, Harry?"

"That Muggle mission? That's taking off in what, 2170?"

"Take off about a hundred forty years or so," Cho said. "But that's not the point. You may as well call Mars One Mars Two."

She watched Harry expectantly until he said, "Why?"

Cho pressed a button on her watch. Suddenly, she was wearing a spacesuit and holding a helmet. "Because the wizards are going to colonize Mars first. Our secret mission leaves tomorrow, and I'm one of the astronautsf."

Harry resisted the urge to scratch his head and stand gawping. "But-but-what?"

"It was good knowing you, Harry," Cho said dramatically, kissed his cheek, and walked majestically out into the unknown, her hair blowing in the wind.


	6. Ginny Weasley, Childhood Genius (HP)

Ginny Weasley, Childhood Genius

This is from a request.

"I really don't understand why Dumbledore has to announce every graduating seventh year," thirteen-year-old Harry complained to Ron.

Ron shrugged as "Weatherby, Percy" was called onstage.

"Percy looks pleased," Hermione remarked as Ron's pompous brother thrust out his chest, pointing in an irritating manner to his Head Boy badge (which read Bighead Boy).

"So do Fred and George," Ron said. "Unusually pleased."

"Right you are," said Fred mysteriously as the twins sat down next to Harry.

"Why?" asked Ron suspiciously.

"And now for a surprise! Weasley, Ginny," Dumbledore announced.

Harry spat out his pumpkin juice. "Ginny's _graduating?_ But she's only twelve!"

"Ginny has taken the necessary O.W.L. and N.E.W.T tests, and passed both of them with Outstanding grades on every subject," Dumbledore explained. "She is going to take a job in Bulgaria, working as an ambassador."

Ron stared. "But-but-"

Harry was struck by a sudden suspicion. "Fred, George-did you do this?"

"Well..." Fred said.

"Perhaps..." George said.

"Indirectly," they finished together.

"HOW?" Harry, Hermione, and Ron shouted together.

"It's psychology," Fred explained. "She took an IQ test a few years ago. We faked the results. Told her she was smarter than Merlin. We gave the faked results to all of her teachers, as well."

"Everyone believed that Ginny was a genius," George said. "And, just like magic, Ginny eventually believed she was one, too."

"Which enabled her to _become_ smarter than she would normally be!" Harry said.

"You guys are amazing," Hermione decided. "Er-you haven't done this to anyone else, have you?"

"Well..." Fred and George said together, trying to look innocent.

"And next," Dumbledore shouted, "Crabbe, Vincent!"

[A/N: The psychology described here is actually a real phenomenon. I didn't make this up, though it probably effects people to a lesser degree than in the story.]


	7. Dionysus' Time Off (For Good Behavior?)

This is from a request from Dionysus (or Mr. D):

Percy Jackson was not in a good mood.

He had just gotten back from Christmas in the Underworld. He was tired and sore. An audience with his least favorite god, Mr. D, was not how he wanted to end his day.

Percy stomped into the big house and stopped dead in the doorway, mouth hanging open.

The big house was a wreck. The furniture was ripped open. The pac-man machine was upside down, blurting out high scores.

Mr. D was in the center of this, sitting in the only functional chair, drinking beer.

"Um," said Percy. "Aren't you not supposed to drink alcohol?"

"What?" asked Mr. D, glaring. "Sit down, Princess."

"Percy." Percy looked around for a place to sit, didn't see one, and remained standing.

"Whatever," said Mr. D. "For your information, this is non-alcoholic beer. Can't imagine why I didn't think of it before. Anyways, have you any idea why I have called you here, Johannson?"

"Jackson," Percy corrected. "And no."

"Well, Jakeson," Mr. D glowered, "Look at this mess. Obviously, you caused it."

"I haven't been here for months," Percy pointed out.

"Whatever!" Dionysus shouted. "It's all your fault! You are SO DONE, boy! I'm turning you into a dolphin! Or a rodent. Or a tiny dolphin rodent!"

"Um," Percy said. "Are you just accusing me of this because you want to look good in front of Zeus, and your maenads were the ones that obviously destroyed the place?"

"Of course not!" Mr. D said, obviously lying. "I will make you pay for that comment, Jamieson!" He raised a threatening hand.

Thunder crackled through the air. Percy and Mr. D looked up, startled.

A tall man was suddenly standing in the room. A man with a beard and a pinstriped suit. A man holding a bolt of lightning.

"Lord Zeus?" Percy asked.

"Daddyo?" Mr. D winced, dropped his hand, and hid his beer. "What's up?"

"What's going _on_ in here?" Zeus muttered. "It looks like the satyrs had a party or something. Hello Jackson, Dionysus."

"Hi," said Percy. Zeus glared at him until he bowed.

"What are you doing here?" Dionysus asked again.

"Well," Zeus explained, "I was thinking. Dionysus, you've served here for quite a while. You've kept these campers safe, and treated them well-"

("Huh?" asked Percy.)

"-and that wood nymph WAS really pretty. I'm lifting your sentence."

"Huh?" asked Dionysus.

"You heard me," said Zeus. "You're free, Dionysus."

He snapped his fingers and vanished.

Dionysus stood up and whooped. "Catch you later, Jasperson! I'm outta here! Please don't feel free to contact me! I'll be way too busy partying to see you or any of you other half-blood brats EVER again."

He rubbed his hands together gleefully and vanished.

Percy whooped. Freedom at last!


	8. Filch's Bride (Harry Potter)

This is from a request. Asexual Girl, thank you for all of your other suggestions! It was hard to pick, but I eventually decided to do both Filch and Umbridge. Please enjoy!

The Hog's Head was hardly a suitable place for the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister to dine, but Dolores Umbridge didn't care. She had just had the worst day of her life: battling fireworks no doubt created by those Weasley twins.

Unbridge downed another glass of firewhiskey and stared dejectedly into her cup.

The bartender came over. "That'll be nine galleons."

Umbridge reached into her giant pink purse, discovered that she had forgotten her wallet _and_ her wand, and gave the bartender an anxious smile. "Hem, hem..."

"I'll get it," said a rough voice behind her. Umbridge turned around. It was Hogwarts' caretaker, sneer, mop, and all.

Never had Argus Filch appeared so handsome to her. His scrawny hair blew in the wind, his mud-brown eyes flashed, and his hideous cat hissed beside him. Umbridge was in love.

Argus threw the galleons onto the table and turned to Umbridge. "Are you alright, my sweet?"

"I'm fine," Umbridge gasped. "Thank you!"

"Anything for you," Filch said soppily.

Umbridge frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"Dolores, I can't keep my emotions hidden anymore," Filch said. He got down on one knee and pulled out a ring with a cat on it. "Will you marry me?"

"YES!" Umbridge shrieked, trembling with joy.

Filch took her hand. "Let's elope. I have it all planned out: we leave Hogwarts. We buy a tiny cottage in the mountains. We adopt fifteen kitties!"

"Absolutely!" Umbridge swooned. "And we'll paint the cottage pink, and name our cats things like Sniffles and Snugaboo!"

"I love it," Filch decided while the bartender ran off to vomit. "Let's go pursue our dreams!"

Umbridge and Filch hobbled off into the night.

Fred and George Weasley, meanwhile, climbed out of their hiding place beneath the counter and high-fived. "Yes! Our love potions work!"


End file.
